He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
