the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She said her name was "party"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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