You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
