Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
