He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
