I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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