I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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