Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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