youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
