You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Randomize