Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
