I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
