I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
