"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
