my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
