I want to walk on stilts...naked
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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