Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
