I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
