apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
