I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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