i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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