why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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