I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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