woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
