I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
