I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
