That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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