At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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