is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
