I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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