i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
there's paper in my vomit.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
