that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
