I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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