Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
