We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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