Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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