Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize