I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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