He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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