Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
