my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
