I'm so fucking centered right now
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
