i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
