She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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