I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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