I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
