I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
