In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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