A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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