my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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