I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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