I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Randomize
