my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
