Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
