She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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