His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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