I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
