I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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