Please, let me fuck your mom
I puked a lego.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize